Validation Isn’t Magic, But It Can Certainly Feel That Way
A Practical Tool for Everyday Emotional Moments (Even When You’re Tired, Frustrated, or in a Hurry)
If you know me at all, you know I’m a make-it-practical kind of therapist. I love tools that work in the middle of real life: at bedtime, in the car, during messy mornings, or right before a family trip when your patience is hanging by a thread.
One of the tools I turn to is validation.
It sounds simple, gets talked about a lot, and somehow, it still feels surprisingly hard to do, especially with the people we love most.
A Familiar Parenting Moment
Picture this.
It’s the night before a long-awaited family trip that I’ve spent months planning, budgeting, packing, and getting everyone excited for.
I’m running on fumes, crossing off the final to-dos when my 10-year-old asks:
“So… how long is the plane ride anyway?”
I hear the tone but do my best to stay neutral.
“Not sure exactly but maybe around three or four hours…”
He stares at you.
“FOUR hours?? That’s SO long.”
Immediately, my brain kicks into high gear:
This took so much work!
We’re going to the most magical place on earth!
Why do we even bother if he’s always miserable???
So ungrateful.
I’m seconds away from saying all of that out loud when I remember:
Deep breath.
You’re a therapist.
You’re supposed to know better.
You literally just did a training on emotional regulation!!
So I take a breath and say something like:
“It makes sense that you’re worried…
You got carsick on our last long trip, you’ve never flown before, and your buddy Owen told you about turbulence when he visited his grandparents.”
Then you hold your breath and wait.
And the most magical thing happens.
Your grumpy, complaining, negative-nelly child walks over and gives you a hug.
…
…JUST KIDDING.
There is NO fairytale ending here!
But here’s what DOES happen.
He changes his tone.
He agrees he is feeling nervous.
And now, we’re able to talk about that.
He opens up just enough that both of us are feeling a tiny bit more relaxed, and thankfully, we avoid a major blow-up.
“Validation is not about agreeing – it is about understanding.”
What Validation Really Means (And What It Doesn’t)
In a nutshell, validation is the experience of feeling seen, understood, and taken seriously.
There is something very powerful about finding a way to say:
“I see this from your point of view.”
You don’t have to agree with the other person’s perspective, but you can try to understand where it’s coming from. In therapy, this is sometimes called emotional attunement or “making meaning out of behaviour”.
The idea isn’t to excuse all behaviour but to recognize the emotion underneath while responding with empathy rather than correction.
Most people agree it’s a good idea, but it can feel incredibly difficult in the moment, especially when our own emotions are activated and our thinking brain is harder to access.
3 Simple Steps to Practice Validation
Validation does not have to be complicated. In fact, it is most powerful when it is simple and sincere.
Here’s a quick breakdown:
Notice the Emotion: What might this person be feeling right now?
Make Sense of It: Given their history, temperament, and the situation, why might that feeling make sense?
Communicate Understanding: Put that understanding into words, gently, and without fixing, minimizing, or correcting.
That’s it.
Why Validation Works, According to Science
Research on empathy and emotional co-regulation shows us that when people feel understood, their nervous systems begin to regulate. The brain shifts out of threat mode and into connection.
This is a core idea behind Emotion Coaching. It is an approach we take at Watermark that says emotional safety comes before problem-solving.
Validation does not reward difficult behaviour. Instead, it helps settle the nervous system so connection, cooperation, and problem-solving become possible.
Using Validation With Yourself
Here’s the part many of us forget.
Validation isn’t just something we offer our kids or our partners. It’s something we need to practise with ourselves as well.
In moments of stress or overwhelm, it can sound as simple as saying:
“It makes sense that I feel overwhelmed right now.”
“It makes sense that this feels hard.”
When you take the time to validate your own experience, you offer your nervous system the same thing you offer others when you lead with empathy. You replace self-criticism with understanding.
And that shift matters. It creates space for calm, for self-compassion, and for making choices that feel more grounded and intentional.
Emotion Coaching for Vancouver Parents
Validation isn’t magic but it can feel magical when it softens tension, de-escalates conflict, or turns a moment of frustration into connection. Remember, it doesn’t mean agreement or permissiveness. It means saying, “I understand why you would feel that way.”
And sometimes, that’s exactly what is needed to change everything.
If you’re looking for counselling in Vancouver and this resonates with you, the Watermark team would love to help. We offer Individual Counselling as well as specialized programs such as Emotion Coaching for Parents.
To learn more or see if we are the right fit for you, book a free consultation here.
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