The Problem With “Should” Statements
Do you ever catch yourself thinking, “I should go to the gym,” or “I should call my mom,” only to feel guilty when you don’t follow through? If so, you’re not alone.
These kinds of thoughts known as “should statements” are a common cognitive distortion. While they may seem motivating on the surface, they often do more harm than good.
Why Should Statements Can Be Harmful
Should statements tend to create rigid, unrealistic rules and expectations for ourselves. Instead of encouraging action, they often lead to uncomfortable emotions such as guilt, shame, anxiety, inadequacy, internal pressure, and a general sense of unease.
Over time, a growing list of “I should…” thoughts can feel overwhelming and discouraging, making it even harder to take action.
Rather than seeing these thoughts as failures, it can be helpful to view them as signals—a cue that something needs to change.
“Replace ‘I should’ with ‘I could’—and notice how pressure softens into possibility.”
Get Curious About What’s Getting in the Way
When you notice a should statement, pause and ask yourself:
What’s stopping me from doing this task?
Is this expectation actually realistic right now?
Sometimes the issue isn’t motivation - it’s that the goal itself is too big or too rigid.
If the task feels unrealistic, consider whether a smaller, more manageable version is possible. For example:
Could you go for a short walk instead of going to the gym?
Could you do a 15-minute workout instead of the full session you planned?
Small steps still count, and they’re often far more sustainable.
Are These Expectations Really Yours?
Another important question to ask is whether the should is coming from you or someone else.
Were you guilted into this task?
Are you acting out of obligation, fear of disappointing someone, or external pressure?
If so, this may be a sign that boundaries need some attention. Learning to say no, or to redefine expectations, can be an essential part of protecting your emotional well-being.
When ‘Shoulds’ Start to Pile Up
If you notice persistent guilt, anxiety, or a growing list of “I should” statements, counselling can be a helpful space to explore what’s underneath. A therapist can help you uncover why these tasks feel so difficult, challenge unhelpful thought patterns, and develop more compassionate and realistic ways of motivating yourself.
You don’t need to live under the weight of constant shoulds. With awareness, curiosity, and support, it’s possible to replace guilt with flexibility, and pressure with self-compassion and possibility.
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